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Grief Changes Shape

Before we start, let's chat- I am sorry my life has been so sad lately.  I promise I am not depressed. I actually love the month of April, just a lot has happened in this month.  With recent changes in my life, I get more time to sit in my butt doing nothing, therefore, I have gotten more time to reflect on my life which is a good thing.

This is a post about hope, but may bring back some rough memories and feelings. Just a warning. Okay, now to our regularly scheduled post....


I just love this quote. I saw it last night on Facebook and I couldn't help but think back to how much sorrow I felt 2 years ago and what stage of grief I was in. Today, Manti would have turned 2 years old in earthly years. 2 years ago. 

I can still remember when I found out that I was going to be an aunt. I had been bugging my BROTHER-in-law (I hate that word but it would be weird for some if I said brother through this story) and Little Sis to have a baby, because I wasn't baby hungry for myself but sure was auntie hungry. One day while on the phone Little Sis mentioned something about being pregnant and I freaked out! I was so excited!!! And she quickly yelled, "DON'T TELL MOM AND DAD!!" because she thought they would be mad. Needless to say, no one was mad we were all so excited. 

Little Sis's pregnancy was almost perfect. She had a heart condition through it, but she and her doctor did an amazing job keeping that under control. She was the cutest preggo, and our family was so excited. 

Then I got the call. It was Monday, April 15, 2014, and I was at work. It was my dad, and the second time in a row he had called so I answered. They couldn't find a heartbeat. It was then that I was in denial. I had just talked to Little Sis earlier that day and she had a stress test. His heart sounded fine and they were then sitting on the couch watching him kick. How can he now be gone? 

No one was able to come in and cover me at work, so my 12 dear girls just watched me through my bipolar moments through the next few hours. First crying, then laughing, then silent, just back and forth. 

While still in denial, that's when the Anger kicked in. Anger for the work situation, anger for stinging us on for 9 months, anger for my Little Sis having to go through that. I keep praying to God that they were just using the wrong machine, that they would find the heart beat. That they would deliver him and he would begin to cry. Something. Anything. 

The car ride from Logan was a long one. Christian trying to keep me calm, and me crying hysterically. We pulled into the hospital parking lot, walked into the ER, and met up with my Tia. She took us to my sisters room were there was more crying. 

I'm not sure how, but Christian and I were talked into heading to my parents to sleep that night. Little Sis said she would make sure to have someone call when she was close so I would be there with her. 

Early, the next morning, we got the call, she was dialated and we better head up, but first grab a few things for Little Sis. Blankie Girl, some clothes, makeup, and hair stuff so we could take pictures. All this I could do any other day, but given the event the pressure was too much. I broke down, so Christian had to help me pull all the tops Little Sis had worn through her entire pregnancy out of the closet to take to the hospital. I kid you not, we took at least 20 shirts. 

We got to the room right after Manti had been delivered. My BROTHER-in-law was standing with my sister but ushered me over to my nephews body glowing as he said, "Sare, look at him! He is perfect!"  

"10 perfect fingers. 10 perfect toes. Manti Cody Harris is truly perfect." That was the text I sent to all my aunts and uncles to let them know the delivery was over. Manti had been given his body and was now reunited with Dillon Dean and our Father in Heaven. 

I am now to the stage of Acceptance and Hope in the stages of Grief. One would hope to be at stage 7 after 2 years, but there are days where I am back at 2, just angry that Lil' Man can't be here to teach his sister. And other days where I am working through what I know to be true through the Plan of Salvation. 

My grief in the loss of Manti is consistently changing shapes, but it will never be gone. 





Today, I got to send a kiss up to Heaven as we celebrated Manti's Birthday. 2 years ago I would never have thought that I would be able to do that without totally losing it, but I did. I know Manti is watching over me and has been the best guardian angel I could ask for over these last 2 years.

Happy birthday Little Angel. Surre Love Ya








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