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CYG: Bella Luna

Day 6: Bella Luna

Today was about the moon, but I was too busy releasing the stars. Tonight was an absolute dream that I will for sure post about later, but until then... 

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CYG: Belonging

Day 4: Belonging
I was so excited to tell my BYF friends I was pregnant. I found out about my miscarriage right before a shift and just texted telling them I couldn't come in. I didn't tell them why. I was heart broken, but above that, I didn't fit! I was with this group of mother's (yeah, most of them were really bad at it and learning from me to become better), and my body wouldn't allow me to become one. I didn't belong anymore.
In the two years of our marriage, things changed. I became less and less confident in myself, and began to stay in a lot more. I've talked about that a bit over the last month, but for those who knew me in college, the idea if me sitting on the couch for even an hour would be baffling! And, yet, I would be home for days over summer break, just sitting on the couch. Talking to NO ONE! 
Salt Lake has brought a lot of good to me. The Debra Bonner Unity Gospel Choir is one of them. I started going just because I was scared of being at t…

CYG: Meaningful Mantra

Day 3: Meaningful Mantra

I have a million mantras and sayings. But there are 2 that I am currently living by...

My daily morning mantra:

Life mantra:

CYG: Mourning Ritual

Day 2: Mourning Ritual

I have always thought my life should be a movie, even when I was little. I was SO dramatic as a child (my family is reading this now thinking, “You still are…”). Now, in my adult life, things happen to me and I look around for the hidden camera, because seriously? THIS.CAN’T.BE.REAL.LIFE! I hope you read that with hand claps. My life could be a comedy, drama, at times an action, and I’m a walking chick flick. Maybe, that’s why I wasn’t usually phased the mentioning of houses being bugged, because my house should have had hidden cameras (yeah, I have also taken up satire). Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because, just like my overly dramatic life, all good movies have a soundtracks. My soundtrack goes back to my favorite assignment given to me my freshman year in college. Pick 15 songs that you relate most to and write a paragraph about how you relate. I don’t still write about how they relate, but I still keep a rotating list of 15 songs that relate most…

CYG: Sunrise Blessing

Day 1. Sunrise Blessing
Getting out of bed is the worst part of the day for me. I hate it. But, lately, I have just been feeling so grateful that I have a new start. A new opportunity. A new beginning. Yesterday was hard. I didn't do my best, but I get to try again today. What a blessing that is. 
I'm not one for sunrises, but this morning I had the opportunity to pick my best friend up from the airport BEFORE the sun was up. However, it was raining. So we didn't get a sunrise. But we had rainfall, my favorite. During my sunrise blessing I also had the reminder of being able to wash things and clean them, just like rain cleans things and makes the earth smell clean. 

I'm excited for this month and the challenge I have before me. 

Capture Your Grief 2017

A couple weeks ago I sat on a couch playing with my 5 month old nephew.  "How old would yours be now?" She asked.  "9 months," I responded. "How did you know?" I felt brave enough to ask.  "I can see it in your eyes." 

You thought you were in the clear after September's Chiari posts. Honestly, I did too. I did capture your grief for myself last year. Wrote it in my journal, didn't post a picture. When this was posted a few days ago, toyed with doing this, but didn't know how vulnerable I was willing to be. I have gone through a lot in the last year, moved to a new state to recreate myself, met new people... Do I really what to bring this all back? 
But then I think back to back home. The thing I miss most is working at BYF. I miss using my personal experiences to help others, motivate them, and show them that yeah LIFE IS TOUGH! But we are tougher, and we can get through it. 
A year ago I remember talking to a lot of people about what misc…

My Chiari Life: Words Are Hard

Words are hard. That's just a fact of life, right? But lately, that haa been even more true for me. Words are so hard! I can't remember basic words that I use every day. 
Not only words, but also names! The other day I was talking to my mom about one of my BEST FRIENDS.  I looked at her with complete desperation, I forgot her name! I began to lost everything about her. What she does as a living. Where she lives now, her parents name. Her starting position on the high school basketball team, her sisters name, how amazing she looks in red lipstick. At this point in tears because I truly don't know her name. Common mom! You know her!!!! My mom is now giving me crazy eyes because she knows her and I should know her name. My mom eventually told me her name and I was fine, but- names are hard. 
Brain fog is a side effect of Chiari that most Chiarians joke about, but it is also one of my biggest fears. When the brain fog hits and I am in public and now just look stupid. Well, yup- …