Yellow dasies with 3 giant Gerbera dasies right in the middle. And they weren't forget-me-nots, but close. They were purple on color ansade it complete. I don't think there could have been a better gift for me after hearing that she could not find the heart beat.
You see, the gerberas remind me of my nephew. For his funeral we got giant orange ones. Yellow is G-Dawgs favorite color. Forget-me-nots are the flower in my mom's garden that helps me to remember Dillon is always with me. Watching and protecting.
I was with my cousins the morning after my grandma passed, and while we were upset, one of them asked their dad in a search for understanding, "So now instead of rocking us, Grandma is in heaven rocking Dillon and Manti?"
Again, what a gift to receive, to remind me that my baby is in heaven with the 3 angels I love most and aspire to be.
"I can.... I can't find the heartbeat." I wake up those words often. It is the worst nightmare a woman can have. And yet it was my reality. A reality similar to my sister's yet I never heard it's heart.
And for that reason I told myself, "At least it happened early." Because that makes me feel like I am a lucky one. One who didn't get to bond with the wiggle worm inside me, one who didn't have a shower to welcome my bundle into the world, one who didn't get to know boy or girl... But it doesn't help. Just because I didn't hear it's heart doesn't mean it didn't steal my heart. That's my baby.
When I finally got a positive pregnancy test, my body suggested that I was already 10 weeks pregnant. My ultrasound showed otherwise. "I don't see anything." That's what the first tech told me. She threw out the words "ectopic pregnancy" while I wasn't in the room, but failed to.mention the cysts. I was left to wonder was it a tubal pregnancy? Did I have cancer (not the first of my cancer might be's)? My doctor just kept saying "I think it is just to early."
And too early it was because one week later we were back for a second ultrasound showing me to be just shy of 5 weeks.
At 7 weeks I was experiencing all the symptoms, until I wasn't. I remember telling my mom and husband about how things didn't hurt anymore and that something had to be wrong. They reassured me that I was okay and reminded me not to compare my pregnancy to others. They were right.
Because my doctor is so amazing she scheduled another ultrasound at 8.5 weeks. I remember being so excited because this is when I was going to hear my baby.
Since I was young I've always wanted a tattoo of each child's first heartbeat somewhere descret on me. I know it breaks a commandment but I'm not the most obedient and justify tatoos of heartbeats all the time. Not to mention I hate unnecessary pain so I'm sure I would wimp out anyway. But hearing my baby's heartbeat would be the first draft of my first tattoo, and that is exciting.
The measurememnts were not the easiest to get, but then again my baby was super tiny. It only measured 8 weeks instead of 8 weeks 3 days, but that's just an estimate. And then she said it. She said, "We aren't really supposed to give any results until the radiologist looks at this, but I don't want to leave you waiting an extra day to find out. I can..." She got choked up, about to cry. "I can't find the heartbeat."
My response was a very controlled and composed. "Okay, thank you." Not because I was in denial, but because I almost knew it was going to be said. Don't get me wrong I was super upset and bawled into my mom and husband's arms as soon as the tech left the room. It's just a motherly instinct I guess.
It was a Monday. I allowed myself to be upset for 2 more days then went back to work. Anything to get my head off of it. But how can I forget that I don't get to have a baby when I am teaching other mom's babies? It didn't seem fair. Friday I got my D&C then Saturday I hosted my niece's 1st birthday party.
She gives me hope. Alma gives me hope that when I find the rainbow through this storm, I will get to raise a beautiful human like her.
I spent 6 weeks pregnant being so excited for the summer. The summer was when I got to prepare for my baby. Now the summer is here and I don't have a baby to prepare for. These last few days have been really hard, because on top of having no baby to prepare for, I also get to visit the resting places of some very important people in my life.
Luckily, I have an amazing family and friends who support me. I have a husband who has been so thoughtful this week, allowing me to feel my emotions, yet reminding me that the best is yet to come. Our happily ever after is not yet, but on it's way.
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